Since starting my blog posts and opening up further about how depression has affected me, I've been incredibly touched by the number of people who have chosen to get in contact. Some messages have been through the blog itself, others have been direct messages on Twitter or private messages on Facebook and some have just been good old fashioned 'chats.'
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| My real black dog - Jasper |
One of the things that has really struck me from all these messages is just how many people 'suffer in silence' and that, unfortunately, there is still a great degree of stigma surrounding depression and mental illness. I've had people telling me that I'm 'brave' for blogging about my experiences as they fear that if they blogged about their experiences or opened up to employers that it would damage their careers. This saddens me. Depression or mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, however I am well aware that stigma does still surround it and none more so than in the workplace.
The brain is a complicated and, arguably, the most important organ in the body. Without a brain we cannot function. Unlike other organs though, when things go wrong with your brain people just don't know what to say or do. If I'd had a kidney infection, heart problem or broken a bone in my body I'm pretty sure I would have received cards and flowers...but mental illness seems to put people off these gestures. (There were two notable exceptions to this for me and those people know who they are and how much their gestures meant to me).
When I've been talking about depression to people and trying to help them understand how it impacts on me, I've gone back to likening the brain to a computer. Our brains are often referred to as the computers for our bodies and as most people use computers I use the following analogy to try and explain how depression affects me:
"When I think of the brain, I like to think of it as the operating system for my body - a bit like Windows on your PC. If you get a bug on Windows (or whatever operating system your computer uses), it's likely that it will impact on all the other software. Excel might not add up numbers correctly, Word may be a bit slow, PowerPoint may just keep simply shutting down. You wouldn't just think 'oh, it will right itself, or snap out of it' - the chances are you'd install an anti virus programme to sort the bug out.
"To me, depression and mental illness is that 'bug' in the operating system. It wont' go away by itself. Medication is what works for me - it rights the chemical imbalances and my operating system (gradually) returns to full functioning capacity."
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| A break in the clouds of depression |
However, thanks to the medication and time off work, there is now a chink in the clouds of my depression and the sun has shone through for me.
I can't pretend that I felt immediately better or that the medication kicked in super quickly - I didn't and it didn't. In fact, for the first three weeks I felt pretty horrendous. My depression seemed to worsen along with increased bouts of anxiety and interrupted sleep - all side effects of fluoxetine (better known as Prozac). My concentration levels were zero and only seemed to return, albeit slightly, around the three weeks' mark.
After returning to see my doctor, I was signed off for another week to allow the medication a chance to kick in. I am so glad that I had this extra week, as suddenly the meds did seem to be working. The black clouds and fog began to lift and I started to feel more like my 'old self.'
As the medication has now started to work, it has made me realise just how long my depression had been growing. I can see clearly that I was probably suffering from mild depression for a good 12-18 months before it became more severe and prompted me to seek help.
I am now back at work and have been very open with colleagues about the reason for my absence. Generally, the response has been one of understanding and kindness and even more people opening up to me that they too have had personal experience of depression.
I realise it's still early days and that medication may not be the answer for everyone however, it is the answer for me. I'll probably be on the medication for a good 6-9 months. I've learned from (bitter) past experience that coming off anti-depressants too early can have disastrous consequences.
I'd like to finish this post with a reference to the great charity that is SANE. I came across SANE through social media and have found their posts, website and service so helpful. They tweeted for people to share their messages of hope for better mental health, so I decided to share my message of hope and was humbled to see that SANE had used it.
"Do not be ashamed of depression or seeking help. Acknowledging it is the first step to recovery."
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| SANE message of hope |
When you are in the depths of despair and depression taking that first step is scary - I've been there - but once you take it, the future isn't so scary anymore.
Mental health organisations that can help:
SANE, Mental Health Charity - http://www.sane.org.uk/MIND - http://www.mind.org.uk/
The Blurt Foundation - http://blurtitout.org/
The Black Dog Tribe - http://www.blackdogtribe.com/
