Diary of a canine convert: SANE

I've been amazed at the response my blog post 'My Metaphorical and Actual Black Dog' has received across all the different social media channels. It really has proven that there is no divide or discrimination when it comes to living with depression.

I wrote the piece at a time when I was feeling particularly low and teary. Like many people, my life is busy and at times it seems like it's one big merry-go-round that just doesn't slow down and keeps on getting faster and faster whilst both the world around me and the accompanying sounds become somewhat scarier and darker.

Although my black dog hasn't reared its head for a good number of years, it has - not so gently - been nudging away at my psyche over the last 6 months or so. By now, I recognise the warning signs and know many of the trigger points. However, that still hasn't stopped me from 'soldiering on' for the last few months. (How typically British and 'stoic' eh? We really are sometimes our own worst enemies).

No more hiding behind a mask

Tears are often a blink away. Anything can set me off. Most of the time I just blink them away, put on a mask and don't allow them to flow. If it's not tears, irrational feelings of anger may take their place. My fuse seems to have shortened and my tolerance levels dropped to sub zero. I'm beginning to get bouts of fatigue. Add to that the never ending questioning of my own abilities and it is very clear - I need to seek help.

So, in practising what I preach, I've picked up the phone and made an appointment with my doctor. I'm fed up with putting on an act that everything is fine - it's just downright exhausting. I believe I need medication and that the chemicals in my brain have just become unbalanced again. Just like faulty wiring or a computer virus, they will not magically right themselves without intervention.

I've been following SANE's 'thought of the day' on facebook and Twitter and these daily thoughts have really brought it home to me that my metaphorical black dog is now very much with me again. (You can see an example of a 'thought of the day' by clicking here). The thoughts are a series of illustrations which show how the black dog can manifest itself.

I'm trying to be extra kind to myself. I've ditched the glasses of wine on an evening (as much as I love a glass of chilled vino, it is a depressant and I need to do all I can to help myself) and I'm trying not to put too much pressure on myself.

I don't want to take time off work and as I'm also building up a dog training business - it's just not feasible. I also want to make sure I continue to do well in my university studies (I'm in the final year of a foundation degree), so off to the doctor's I will go next week.

In the time being, I'll give my real life black dog, Jasper, a big cuddle and remind myself that help is on its way.